Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: by Dr. Colossal

11 Mar
CezlColossal

Dr. Colossal, friend of Cez’l was kind enough to let me feature his “Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen”. Who’s excited. I’m excited. Here is a taste of what is yet to come.

Today’s feature on Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: BEASTLY

A few words from Dr. Colossal

“It’s been a while since I did one of these things.  No I wasn’t busy being a summer intern for Moammar Gadhafi nor was I molested by a gang of Ethiopian dirt farmers.  No I was busy getting married, buying a house and basically living my life.  But since things have calmed down a bit (relatively speaking), I figure that I can get back into my Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen ® for a while.  At least until the next crisis. “

The movie I will be reviewing today is Beastly.

The movie starts with this guy going around high school telling everyone how pretty he is.  This guy…

Hey look at me. I'm pretty.

He basically goes around making fun of all the ugly people in his school and just being a jerk in general.  This guy, who’s name I believe is Chadwick (I was in line for popcorn so I missed his name), goes to the chess club, the drama club and the science club after school and makes fun of all the people there for being ugly.  After Chadwick makes fun of all those people, he goes home but on the way he stops in a witch store for some reason.  At the witch store, he meets a witch girl who hears about him making fun of her friends in the drama club, so she casts a spell on him and turns him into this…

Ohh noez!!! Wha happened!!!

The witch then tells him that he needs to sleep with someone pretty in one week or he will stay that way forever.  Well Chadwick is sad, but he goes around asking all the pretty girls to have sex with him.  None of the girls will though because he’s “BEASTLY” now.  Chadwick is like, “Why won’t anyone be with me?  I’m so upset.”  So toward the end of the week and Chadwick’s time is running out. He finds one of the easy girls that hangs out in the back of the school and has sex with her.  The witch girl is like, “Oh that’s great!!!  You can be pretty again!!!”

Yeah baby!!! Me and my terrific abs are back!!!

With his pretty back, he goes back to making fun of ugly people and making sure he never goes back to the witch store again, at least not until Beastly 2.  Fin

Honestly, this wasn’t that bad of a movie.  I was going in expecting the worst and was pleasantly surprised.  The guy who played Chadwick was really good at being mean to all the ugly people and when he was the ugly guy, he was really good at being sad.  He also had great abs and perfectly coiffed hair so there is something for the ladies.  For the abs, the hair and being mean to ugly people, I give this movie 2 “duhs.”  If you have nothing to do on a lazy Saturday afternoon, go check this film out or not.  I really don’t care.

So until next time, thanks for reading Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen.

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