Archive | September, 2011

Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: by Dr. Colossal

15 Sep

Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen ™ ®

Shark Night 3D

Hello everyone and welcome back to another edition of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen™®.  I appreciate all of the response to my previous reviews as I endeavor to get better at this thing.  For this review, I will be introducing a brand new rating system.  Today, I introduce the “Whaaa?” rating.  The more Whaass a movie gets, the better the movie probably was. That should get everyone out there in the Interwebz excited.  Also, I have decided to do an end of the year retrospective and awards spectacular extravaganza so be on the lookout for that sometime in December (or whenever I get around to it.)  So Tweet it, Facebook it, MySpace it, CollegeClub it and Black Planet it!! Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the hobo in the park, but get the word out.  We’re going to have a momma-slappin’ good time in the next few months.  Today, I’ll be reviewing the movie, Shark Night 3D.



Oh yeah this will be good!!!

I swear I have seen this movie before but the marquee on the theater says this is an original film.  Ok let’s see what we are working with.  The movie starts with a bunch of teens going to a lake house to celebrate having enough money to celebrate something at a lake house.  This group of seven wants to have some fun by spending their summer at Shark Lake.  The teens are named, Running Falling Screaming Girl, Athletic Jock Guy, Brainy Science Guy, Token “I’mGonnadiefirst” Black Guy, Sexually Promiscuous Girl, Save the Day Guy and Average Looking But Still Kinda Hot Girl.   The teens wonder why the lake is called Shark Lake but quickly dismiss it as some Indian legend or something. 


Does anyone really know why it’s called Shark Lake?

My first indication that something was wrong was when Athletic Jock Guy tells everyone that Shark Lake was located two exits past Crystal Lake.  They all pile into Athletic Jock Guy’s convertible and drink and drive all the way there. (We here at the offices of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t in no way shape or form approve of young people driving but it’s in the movie so…uh…deal with it I guess)


‘Hey come back.  I still have two more sequels left in my contract. ‘

Dismissing the name Shark Lake as Indian legend, they all go for a swim.  Everyone swims that is except for Brainy Science Guy who is sad because he has no one to swim with.


‘How did I get invited on this trip anyway?’

‘They should have selected this guy —>

The Brainy Science Guy notices a shark coming toward the group and yells at everyone to get out of the water.  Token “I’mGonnadiefirst” Black Guy unfortunately is too slow (everyone knows that black people can’t swim) so he gets eaten and is gone about 10 minutes into the movie.  The others show only mild indifference to their friend getting eaten as there is now no one to do the cooking or cleaning around the house.  As they go back to the house, Sexually Promiscuous Girl and Athletic Jock Guy go off to have some fun together.  They are in their bedroom when there is a knock on the door.  The voice on the other side claims to be a candygram but it’s really this…


‘Ha Ha, I’m the Land Shark and I’m here to eat you!!!’

Sexually Promiscuous Girl and Athletic Jock Guy are both eaten in their rooms but no one really notices because after Token “I’mGonnadiefirst” Black Guy’s death, they use the buddy system and everyone else already had their buddy. 

Brainy Science Guy figures out that Shark Lake is called Shark Lake because of all the sharks in the lake so he calls his mom to pick him up to go home.  The rest of the group calls him “dumb” and wonders who invited him in the first place.  So just to recap, we are down to Running Screaming Girl, Save the Day Guy and Average Looking But Still Kinda Hot Girl.  Running Falling Screaming Girl thinks she didn’t get to swim enough in the first act so she goes back to Shark Lake to go for another swim.  She runs out of the lake screaming because she forgot about the sharks.  That’s when a flying shark comes and eats her on the beach after she trips and falls down (that was rather predictable.) 


‘Oh yeah, I’m a real thing!!!’

Save the Day Guy and Average Looking But Still Kinda Hot Girl realize there might be a problem and they start to think of a plan to save themselves.  Save the Day Guy calls up Batman and gets some of his Shark Repellant and sprays it into the water there by keeping the sharks away so they can enjoy the rest of their vacation.  Save the Day Guy and Average Looking But Still Kinda Hot Girl get together and kiss for the first time.  They promise to come back to Shark Lake next year with a new group of teens.


‘Oh yeah, I’m a real thing too!!! ‘

 This was a pretty good film.  The CGI on the sharks was well done and it was quite well acted.  My only complaint was that there weren’t enough sharks.  I felt they could have used at least two or three more sharks and given them different powers or something but maybe they’re saving that for Shark Night 3D 2.  A definite guilty pleasure, I will give this film 3 Whaaas out of 4.  A definite must for shark lovers and teen haters alike; this is a nice way to end the summer.  That’s all for now.  Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next time for another Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen ™®.    

___________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

ANOTHER GREAT REVIEW Dr. Colossal

 

vs

Check out my ‘Shark Week’ Post

https://cezl.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/shark-week-when/

HERE

Osaka City Station Water Fountain, Japan

12 Sep

NOT made in America. Another reason why Japan is so much cooler to explore

Cool point awarded to Japan

America still numba one…but I don’t wanna take away from the coolness of this fountain.

Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: by Dr. Colossal

12 Sep

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2


Hello all and welcome back to another edition of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen™.  As you know, I occasionally will take a movie that I haven’t seen and give you a review on it based on the popularity, trailers, stars, reception, my own crazy thoughts, etc.  On today’s journey, I will be giving you a take on a movie that many of you have indeed seen, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2.  Before I get started with this review, I am inclined to give you full disclosure.  I have never seen a single minute of a Harry Potter film nor have I read a single book.  I can name maybe two characters by name and I’m not sure about one of them.  Needless to say J.K. Rowling has none of my money.  That being said, I am confident that my review will be a completely unbiased view and will not be colored by anything distracting such as accuracy or facts.  
(And to all the Harry Potter nerds out there, I’m sorry…so very, very sorry.)

Alright let’s get on with it.
The movie starts out with a replay with what happened in the previous movie.  It goes over how Harry Potter was mad at the stretchy face guy for stealing his favourite wand (and yes I will be using the British spelling of stuff as best I can because the dude is British I guess.)  Harry and his friends are looking all over the castle for the wand but they can’t find it.  Unfortunately, Harry needs the wand to change the telly in his room.  After searching for hours, the first movie ends with the stretchy face guy sending Harry a note that he has his wand locked away in his own castle on the other side of town and that Harry would have to fight him to go get it.  Harry and his friends are now determined to go get the wand back from the stretchy face guy as Part 1 ends.

‘Ha Ha, I got your wand!!! ‘

Part 2 begins with Harry and his friends looking for a subway map to get to the Stretchy face guy’s castle but see that there isn’t a subway stop close enough to it so they will have to take the bus.  The problem for Harry is that he has no bus money because his mum doesn’t visit him until the end of the month.  Discouraged but not defeated, he decides to ask the headmaster, Alan Rickman, for some money.  Alan Rickman informs Harry that the stretchy face man borrowed 20 dollars from him last week and he didn’t give it back yet so he would drive him over to stretchy face man’s castle himself.  Harry is happy again so they all get into their wizard car and drive over to the stretchy face man’s castle.  Along the way, Alan Rickman and Harry Potter talk about the previous movies and discuss what all they learned.  Harry admitted that he really wished he just stayed at home at the beginning of the first movie.

‘Alan Rickman, why am I really here?’

After driving through rush hour traffic for about an hour, the duo finally arrive stretchy face man’s castle.  They knock on the door and ask for Harry’s wand and Alan Rickman’s 20 dollars back.  The stretch face man leans out the window and says that he doesn’t have the wand or the money.  Unfortunately for the stretchy face man, he left the front door to his castle unlocked so Harry and Alan Rickman just walk in and confront the stretchy face man.  After a few minutes of witty and clever British banter, stretchy face man reluctantly admits to taking the wand and gives it back and also pays back the 20 dollars he owed to Alan Rickman.  Harry is still upset with the stretchy faced man because he had to miss last night’s episode of Britian’s Got Talent so he takes his wand and stabs him through the heart.

‘ TOUCHÉ MONSIEUR STRETCHY FACE MAN!!! ‘

Harry and Alan Rickman return to their castle with the wand and money victorious and happy with their hard-fought victory over the stretchy face man.  Alan Rickman is proud of Harry for standing up to a bully and ending the confrontation decisively.  Alan Rickman tells Harry that this will be their last adventure together because his contract has run out and he doesn’t want to be typecast in future movies.  Sadly, Harry Potter calls his mum and they make plans for them to move back to their native Hoboken, New Jersey.

‘Now I remember why we left New Jersey’

Now I remember why we left New Jersey This was a very enjoyable film.  Because of all the British accents, it seemed very well acted indeed.  The scene that really stood out to me was when Alan Rickman and Harry Potter are in the car talking about life and getting the wand and 20 dollars back.  Harry Potter seemed to grow up right in front of our eyes during that dialogue.

‘Alan Rickman, are you my daddy?’

‘Check out my sweeet Members Only jacket!!’
All in all, I give this film a rating of 3 duhs out of 4.  If you are into magic and wizardry and stuff like that, you should really like this movie.  There is plenty of magic and spells and CGI and crap like that to make even the most diehard Harry Potter hater enjoy.  And if you already like Harry Potter, well you aren’t wasting your time reading this; you are back in the theater seeing this movie for the 45th time.  Anyway, go see this movie or don’t see this movie, I still get paid the same for this article so there.
As always thank you for reading and I’ll see you next time for another Review of Movies I Haven’t Seen™

Are you a Single Lady with a baby?

8 Sep

Need Money? Fast !!

“Eeny, meeny, miny, mo catch a baby daddy by his toe”

 

Chapter – EBT (It’s Free Swipe Yo EBT) music video

Shout out the the fine bow legged shawty that made this video….

_______________________________

Speaking of ‘Food Stamps’

Here is one of my favorite songs by 24 Carat Black title Foodstamps

24 Carat Black “Foodstamps” instrumental

500th Post – Cez’L is the Thankful

8 Sep

 

 

 

SO

I thought I hit 500 post back in April. I was wrong. It’s been real. REAL BUSY. Thank you for the continued support.

44,750 view is just crazy.

I literally have 84 (eighty four) posts to make that are sitting in my phone and black book getting spoiled just waiting to hit the net.

THANK YOU !!! FOOL ! (You’re not a fool…)

Poft Zorn: Hunter Moore’s website IAU?

8 Sep

WHERE YOU SEEN ON THE INTERNET NAKED ?

There is a site that has topped all Poft Zorn. The creator is damn near America’s Most Wanted in the Marshall Law world. The kid has been stabbed by angry mexicans and has more inboxed-ness than you probrably had your whole life with a facebook and hotmail account combined.

What do I know about Hunter Moore. NOTHING.

“What I DO know is his site is NOT WORK SAFE. NOT WORK SAFE. NOT WORK SAFE. FOOL !!!!  He’s been kicked off of Facebook and other sites. (How sweet is that). This guy is all business and shed a faint moral compass. Or so it may seem. You wont find and underage nonsense on his site and he keeps it really REALLY REAL with the backtalkers and the unwell wishers. There is no link from here,  i’m just talking about the legend of Hunter Moore

I’m J. Jonah Jameson when it comes to this guy.  ” Is he a menace “.  “Is he a GOOD guy”.

You’re thinking OBVIOUSLY he’s not good ? HATE…he’s doing what any blogger would do with the materials handed to him. HANDED TO HIM. HANDED TWO HEEEEEEEEM.

I’m not his defense lawyer. If I was up on his TOTALLY AWESOME WEBSITE without self submitting my own pitures i’d be firing shots…or maybe I wouldn’t…i’d just be like “why do I have these nude pictures on this NON EXCLUSIVE INTERNET ANYWAY.”

NOTHING YOU PUT ON THE INTERNET IS SAFE OR PRIVATE FOOL

He’s not putting people out there. He’s just CATCHING the people that are out there (ironically mostly women) and SECURING  a safe home for pictureS al la nudes of them as a REMINDER  of MORBID AND UNETHICAL JUSTICE.

Lots of people are crying while CRYING “Karma is gonna get you Hunter Moore !!!” ” I’m gonna kick your a-s Hunter Moore”….YOU SHOULD BE KICKING YOUR OWN A-SESS AND PICKING UP THE KARMA, nevermind….

HUNTER, awesome site dude. BEST REACTION PHOTOS / COLLECTION OF WEB WORTHY PHOTOS.  Won’t catch me on there naked…but you might catch me asking…

!!! ISANYONEUP !!! .COM

BUY THE SHIRTS, SUPPORT THE SITE MONETARILY, EARN A SHIRT !!! FOOL !!!


Music: Wale speaking to the demographic

8 Sep

Wale – The Motivation (Be Right) 

The lyrics to this song ‘motivate’. Kick back and read while you listen to the track from “Old Wale”. I don’t think he changed, but if he did to get some change then we gotta deal with change – Cezl


You heard knowledge is power, now you got a masters
to show you more massive then all them undergraduates (can you relate yet, if not stop reading)
you know you so pretentious, you love pretending like your love for learning
could be applied to this shit
the line for jobs is quite high, now isn’t it, your pride diminishes
your pockets gone dry from the loans was given em
and the world got cold overnight now didn’t it?
Post graduation and now just a spokesman
for unemployed blacks who in Sallie Mae debt
every day was a Saturday, sh-t
ain’t nothing changed since the sadder day, dig

———————————————————

Able to relate…then check out the rest of the track, too sad? then check out the rest of the album.

ARE YOU IN DEBT ?? Ron Racer takes a look at the ‘Debt Ceiling’ debate.

Click —> Good Idea Bad Idea: Debt ceiling for the laymen

Listen to the song while you read

——————————————–

The Music *Wale – The Motivation (Be Right)