Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen: by Dr. Colossal

15 Sep

Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen ™ ®

Shark Night 3D

Hello everyone and welcome back to another edition of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen™®.  I appreciate all of the response to my previous reviews as I endeavor to get better at this thing.  For this review, I will be introducing a brand new rating system.  Today, I introduce the “Whaaa?” rating.  The more Whaass a movie gets, the better the movie probably was. That should get everyone out there in the Interwebz excited.  Also, I have decided to do an end of the year retrospective and awards spectacular extravaganza so be on the lookout for that sometime in December (or whenever I get around to it.)  So Tweet it, Facebook it, MySpace it, CollegeClub it and Black Planet it!! Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell the hobo in the park, but get the word out.  We’re going to have a momma-slappin’ good time in the next few months.  Today, I’ll be reviewing the movie, Shark Night 3D.



Oh yeah this will be good!!!

I swear I have seen this movie before but the marquee on the theater says this is an original film.  Ok let’s see what we are working with.  The movie starts with a bunch of teens going to a lake house to celebrate having enough money to celebrate something at a lake house.  This group of seven wants to have some fun by spending their summer at Shark Lake.  The teens are named, Running Falling Screaming Girl, Athletic Jock Guy, Brainy Science Guy, Token “I’mGonnadiefirst” Black Guy, Sexually Promiscuous Girl, Save the Day Guy and Average Looking But Still Kinda Hot Girl.   The teens wonder why the lake is called Shark Lake but quickly dismiss it as some Indian legend or something. 


Does anyone really know why it’s called Shark Lake?

My first indication that something was wrong was when Athletic Jock Guy tells everyone that Shark Lake was located two exits past Crystal Lake.  They all pile into Athletic Jock Guy’s convertible and drink and drive all the way there. (We here at the offices of Reviews of Movies I Haven’t in no way shape or form approve of young people driving but it’s in the movie so…uh…deal with it I guess)


‘Hey come back.  I still have two more sequels left in my contract. ‘

Dismissing the name Shark Lake as Indian legend, they all go for a swim.  Everyone swims that is except for Brainy Science Guy who is sad because he has no one to swim with.


‘How did I get invited on this trip anyway?’

‘They should have selected this guy —>

The Brainy Science Guy notices a shark coming toward the group and yells at everyone to get out of the water.  Token “I’mGonnadiefirst” Black Guy unfortunately is too slow (everyone knows that black people can’t swim) so he gets eaten and is gone about 10 minutes into the movie.  The others show only mild indifference to their friend getting eaten as there is now no one to do the cooking or cleaning around the house.  As they go back to the house, Sexually Promiscuous Girl and Athletic Jock Guy go off to have some fun together.  They are in their bedroom when there is a knock on the door.  The voice on the other side claims to be a candygram but it’s really this…


‘Ha Ha, I’m the Land Shark and I’m here to eat you!!!’

Sexually Promiscuous Girl and Athletic Jock Guy are both eaten in their rooms but no one really notices because after Token “I’mGonnadiefirst” Black Guy’s death, they use the buddy system and everyone else already had their buddy. 

Brainy Science Guy figures out that Shark Lake is called Shark Lake because of all the sharks in the lake so he calls his mom to pick him up to go home.  The rest of the group calls him “dumb” and wonders who invited him in the first place.  So just to recap, we are down to Running Screaming Girl, Save the Day Guy and Average Looking But Still Kinda Hot Girl.  Running Falling Screaming Girl thinks she didn’t get to swim enough in the first act so she goes back to Shark Lake to go for another swim.  She runs out of the lake screaming because she forgot about the sharks.  That’s when a flying shark comes and eats her on the beach after she trips and falls down (that was rather predictable.) 


‘Oh yeah, I’m a real thing!!!’

Save the Day Guy and Average Looking But Still Kinda Hot Girl realize there might be a problem and they start to think of a plan to save themselves.  Save the Day Guy calls up Batman and gets some of his Shark Repellant and sprays it into the water there by keeping the sharks away so they can enjoy the rest of their vacation.  Save the Day Guy and Average Looking But Still Kinda Hot Girl get together and kiss for the first time.  They promise to come back to Shark Lake next year with a new group of teens.


‘Oh yeah, I’m a real thing too!!! ‘

 This was a pretty good film.  The CGI on the sharks was well done and it was quite well acted.  My only complaint was that there weren’t enough sharks.  I felt they could have used at least two or three more sharks and given them different powers or something but maybe they’re saving that for Shark Night 3D 2.  A definite guilty pleasure, I will give this film 3 Whaaas out of 4.  A definite must for shark lovers and teen haters alike; this is a nice way to end the summer.  That’s all for now.  Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next time for another Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen ™®.    

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ANOTHER GREAT REVIEW Dr. Colossal

 

vs

Check out my ‘Shark Week’ Post

https://cezl.wordpress.com/2011/05/02/shark-week-when/

HERE

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