Dorkly: 6 Reasons Why Being a Jedi SUCKS (GO SITH)

3 Mar

Wait till you read this…you’re gonna regret that Jedi training down payment

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The Dorklyst: 6 Reasons Why the Empire is Better Than the Old Republic

By Jacob Chen / February 29, 2012

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They weren’t always the nicest guys, but the Empire got sh*t done. Sometimes you’ve got to crack a few Alderaans to make a space omelet. The Empire turned a sand-hating drama queen into the galaxy’s most notorious badass. And at the very least, we can all agree that the movies were way better when they were in charge. With that in mind, here’s our tribute to the glorious Galactic Empire.

6. Technological Innovation

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Well before Anakin picked up his first lightsaber, the galaxy was under the rule of the Old Republic. During its 25,000 year reign, there were startlingly few technological innovations. The Jedi still use the same sh*tty lightsabers, soldiers use the same sh*tty blasters, and ships travel using the same sh*tty hyperdrive systems.

Now compare that to the Empire. In less than 20 years, the Empire revolutionized space warfare with the creation of the Death Star, making all large warships functionally obsolete. They also invented the AT-AT, making all ground fortifications equally obsolete. They created the Executor, Sun Crusher, and cloaking technology. The Empire did more in a couple decades than the Republic did in several thousand.

5. Religious Freedom

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During the reign of the Old Republic there was only 1 religion: the Force. Everywhere you went, you had to deal with self-important, self-righteous Jedi prattling about how the Force is everywhere and binds the galaxy together. And not only were they everywhere, they were indoctrinating children!

And then came the Clone Wars, the Empire, and the eradication of the Jedi. Suddenly, the galaxy got its first real taste of religious freedom. As Han Solo best said, “Kid, I’ve flown from one side of this galaxy to the other. I’ve seen a lot of strange stuff, but I’ve never seen anything to make me believe there’s one all-powerful force controlling everything. There’s no mystical energy field that controls my destiny.” People all across the galaxy were finally free to believe that they controlled their own destiny.

4. Abstinence Only Education

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Don’t get me wrong, if I was a kid I’d probably want to become a Jedi too. Lifting objects with my mind and waving a sword of light sounds pretty awesome. But there’s one tiny problem. JEDI ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE SEX. Can you believe that? The Jedi Temple takes in children from all across the galaxy and then gives them an abstinence only education – teaching them that if they have sex they will turn to the dark side. The Jedi aren’t allowed to marry or have children, or love. That might be fine when you’re a 12-year-old kid, but it probably gets depressing by the time you’re a teenager, say nothing of a lonely 40-year-old.

3. Recession Ending Public Works Projects

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In the thousands of years of the Old Republic, the biggest public works project ever taken on by the government was probably a touch up of the Jedi Temple. Maybe a new paint job or something. If you’re poor and unemployed without connections in the Galactic senate, you’re kinda out of luck.

But not so in the Empire. The Empire is always tackling a new public works project to make sure there is plenty of economic redistribution to go around. Whether they’re recruiting stormtroopers (given their aim, clearly anyone was allowed to become one) constructing the Death Star, or building the Emperor a new palace, there was always work to be found and credits to be made.

2. No More Bureaucratic Absurdity

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The Old Republic was ruled by the galactic senate. There were 1024 senators. Currently there are 100 senators in the US senate and we already can’t get anything done. By the time every senator has finished making a speech, the last senator would’ve already forgotten what the first senator said. The senate couldn’t even take action to punish the Trade Federation after it illegally started a war and attacked an allied planet while occupying its capital city.

The Empire had none of these shenanigans. There was one Emperor. And each sector had a Moff. The Moffs ruled efficiently and effectively. If a Moff misruled, the Emperor’s agents would report it to the Emperor who would come and kick some Moff ass.

1. Human Supremacy Over Alien Jerks

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Besides the occasional furry sidekick, almost every alien in the Star Wars universe is a complete dick. There’s Jabba the Hutt (big fat dick), the Jawas (little dicks), the Sand People (robed dicks) and the Neimoidians (rich dicks). And I’m not even stereotyping here. Literally all Hutts were selfish megalomaniacs interested only in self-aggrandizement even at the expense of other sentient beings. All Neimodians were greedy traders willing to resort to the use of force and extortion to squeeze revenues from other member planets. All Sand People were exceptionally prone to violence and willing to kidnap and attack innocent moisture farmers.

Just ask yourself where you’d rather live: A world run by Darth Vader or one that would permit Jar Jar Binks to hold a position of power?



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