Horoscopes

You’ve been waiting for me to do astrology or a love/ dating page. I’m gonna kick off this horoscope page. This is all original crap I made up based on my life. It should seem kinda cool and accurate and make you laugh a little. I suggest reading up on the real life version of your sign and see if you exhibit these behaviors. 

Mouse (12/22 – 1/19) * former Capricorn*

Not to be confused with the RAT, the MOUSE is the new sign for Capricorns. Capricorn have a bold nature and the ability to take on any career, sport or tradition and excel at it. Their attitudes to life may not seem to be verbose but once you get to know them it will seem like their possibilities are endless. Cute and usually seemingly harmless they can be crafty and destructive when pushed to their limit. They have a way of avoiding many obstacles and traps…until caught.

Dog (1/20 – 2/18) *Aquarius*

The former water bearer is now a Dog. Small dog, large dog, vicious dog, shy dog, it does not matter. They are loyal when trained correctly and as unloyal as it gets when they run wild (but not impossible to tame once you get past the growls and bark). Beware of their bark. They will bite. They can be the best companions mixing with any situation and any breeds of species. Sometimes considered heartless and mean they can be just the opposite with a little food and cunning will change this wild beast into a lovable loyal protector.*Pun on dog.*

Chameleon (2/19 – 3/20) *Pisces*

How many chameleons have you seen. They are not endangered. They just happen to fit in everywhere. Blending in. Watching. Taking notes. Bet you never met a chameleon you can be around for long periods of time. They can be a needy bunch, but not as in ‘clingy’. Needy like in a need for ‘change’. As they adapt to one situation, person or surface just like that they are changing to something else. They are can master many things and enjoy being themselves as much as they like being everything else. Catch them wearing anything trending, as well as resurrecting old ideas.

Baby Rhino (3/20 – 4/19) *Aries*

Not too many unattractive people under this sign. The soft cute exterior is a distraction for inevitable hard hotheadedness. These risk takers feel they can do the things a big Rhino can do and usually get hurt. Most times they find out things the hard way. The constant though of ‘when I become a big rhino i wont have to worry about it hurting so bad’. This sign has a skill for learning the hard way, not following the rules, paving their own way and beating their own drum in their own band. As they grow some lessons are learned but now that they are bigger and stronger the risks become greater. Sometimes they are wrestled down and they’re crown is taken, most times they run through an area and leave their mark not really caring if it was a good one or damaging. They’ve been hurt before.

Penguin (4/20 -5/20) *Taurus*

This sign likes to roll in groups. This sign likes to be well dressed though they may look the same everyday (like a Simpson). This sign is good with money, whether it is theirs or not. (This sign is good with dancing is what you thought i would be saying right, but no idk if they are best dancers). They are a busy bunch always on the go and focused on where they are going even if all they can see in front of them is white snow. They usually get to where they want to go through diligence and keeping their head straight and their eye on the prize. A promiscuous bunch they usually focus on family when given the choice. Note, a penguin in a china shop would be just as destructive…

Elephant (5/21 – 6/21) *Gemini*

The biggest brains, the biggest vaginas, and the biggest legs that should carry them far swiftly but it usually takes them forever to get to where they want to go. The biggest ears but they are not made for listening because they are usually much bigger than you even in youth to ”HEAR’ what you have to say. They can be scared into listening because fear is a challenge and not a deterrent. They are recognized wherever they go no matter what. Large and entitled to be in charge and say whatever they want using size or grandeur to get their way. As their big brains and vaginas age so does their wisdom in life. They learn from their mistakes but because they are so big they usually forget that they are easily hurt because their skin is not thick (but you thought elephants never forget). Worried about the two-faced Gemini?, try getting to the other side of an Elephant, you’ll get there as soon as they let you but you might get trampled in the process.

Giant Squid (6/22 – 7/22) *Cancer*

Giant squids eat their arms off when exposed to stressful situations. They also spray ink and retreat. If they feel there is something they can take on that is not bigger than them then the opposite happens. They use their many arms size and ink to confused, crush and destroy the things around them. Notorious for a ‘woe is me attitude’ and a ‘you hurt my feelings’ persona Giant Squid usually live on their own in their deep blue world away from others. They cling to family or people most like them usually resenting them deep inside (wondering how are they better or secretly trying to best others). They are prone to take on great challenges and do exceptionally well but shy away from praise but not gain. Giant squids are too deep for you, you’ll never get them.

Peacock (7/23 – 8/22) *Leo*

In constant need of praise and glory the peacock is a humble bird that will pluck your eyeballs out. The lion moniker is too strong for this sign and Lions are loyal. Peacocks are polygamist but loyal in the wild (think about this one). When they want attention ‘PUFF’ they will flip their hind parts out for you to see. If they don’t want your attention then they will be as laid back as it comes. Praise of self or others defines this sign and they will eat it up like the most delicious bird feed. Peculiar at times they will run or fly far far away but always come back to their nest even if just for the summer months.This sign is usually remembered.

Sloth (8/23 – 9/22) *Virgo*

This sign has a laid back nature and know for being reserved and even lazy. Particular bout their surroundings they don’t require much out of arms reach. When attacked they are very well capable of defending themselves against any attack. Sloths blend in, moving only slowly, do not attract attention.When they are outside of their surrounding they seem to attract (wanted/ unwanted) attention. They like to be cared for especially in their most comfortablist of their surroundings. In relationships they do just enough unless asked to do more, then they will do everything ASKED. They can be just as attached as they can be detached with people. Great thinkers they enjoy confrontation and wit (or so it may seem).

Camel (9/23 – 10/22) *Libra*

Able to apply reason to any situation except that of their own. This sign has a an affinity for wisdom of life and survival. They burden many things and have a short memory when it comes to forgiveness. This sign will store water for long journeys (smart), carry on others baggage while giving a helping hoof, but are simply being used (not so smart). Straight forward and humble the camel goes about their business and usually live a long life separate from others in their own dessert though they enjoy (and can be found in) a crowd/ pack. When joined by others they are usually welcoming and well welcomed as well as resourceful and necessary. *Resourceful a camel can be used for travel, dairy, war, meat and health. Just don’t cross them the wrong way, they may spit on you or worst.*

Cat (10/23 – 11/21) *Scorpio*

The Cat is always in control. They love to be pampered. They love attention. They are quick to ignore and not help but will break their necks for your outstretched hand at times. Their existence and entitlement is based on what you offer them. Until you offer them anything you will not receive much. Though some cats will run to you it is simply a game of cat and mouse. Once the running to you is over and they get what they want they are usually back to ignoring you or having you praise them. Cat are not the smartest creatures and usually don’t handle simple things such as using the bathroom correctly. They are loveable, playful and great to have around. Their need for attention could halt simple things like a cup of coffee, computer time or even sleep. This sign will get in the shower with you but beware of having your face or back scratched as well as anything that was important to you torn to shreds once they get wet. We all love cats though right?

Ameoba (11/22 / 12/21) *Sagittarius (male)

Ameoba have no definite shape and are the scum of Earth. Like bacteria, they don’t need you for anything because they have themselves. They are asexual needing no one except themselves usually forgoing family and get under everyone’s skin…just kidding…really JUST KIDDING

Black Widow (11/22 / 12/21) *Sagittarius (female)

The women usually eats/ kills their males after mating and produce dangerous venom…ok just kidding there too…

The Human Being (11/22 – 12/21) *Sagittarius *

Able to hunt, control, and destroy any thing on earth at will this sign is known for being selfish. This sign usually has no tender side and is ornately primal (venus flytrappy). The Human is smart and always seeking new knowledge and new experiences. Never knowing when to settle. They are known to take over everything that is not their own then leave it at the drop of a hat. The human uses it’s surroundings for personal gain and thinks less of others unless they are JUST like them/ carbon copy. On the other side of things the human can be quiet generous and nurturing and amiable. While this is true it is for personal gain and success. The human is not an evil tyrant or a loving species, the human is and be’s. They are in constant search of finding themselves while  they deeply fear being taken advantage of and being overlooked. They create defensive barriers to protect themselves and MUST rule everything around them.

_____________

Hope you enjoyed. See if you and your partner match up in some weird way. Some may surprise you. Like Sag and Gemini, or Aquarius and Scorpio or even Taurus and Libra. 

Alternate ideas for sign that were unused:

Aquarius alternate was Horse

Libra alternate was an Owl

Sag alternate was a Pig

Virgo alternate was an Ostrich

Leo alternate was a Flamingo

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